A note to Kip

oy, kip, if you read this, please leave me a comment with your number and number so i can call you and tell you how it is up here, alright i am sur eyou would like to know what is going on up in this hizzouse. so gimme your numbah, alrighty just leave it in the comments, make a comment and i can call you

my cousin ellen.

Hullo to you all, this is Ryan's cousin, Ellen. How has my cousin been treating ya? Right now he is at my house, in Florida. In my room. We are listening to The Red Hot Chili Pepers.

I like chili's they are yummy, and... I like egg rolls. Haha! I randomly saw him doing one of these journal thingys, so of course, I had to butt in. I have no idea what to do, but hey, I NEVER DO!

I've read some of his writing, and poems, pretty snazy if you ask me. He is a total goof if you don't know him.

He just gave me premission to write some "guest poetry." I think I'm gonna' give it a try, if ya'll don't mind.

Okay, here we go.

Till Death?

If one were to die,
Would they really be dead?
Is death really real,
Or all in your head?
To live is to die,
To die proves you've lived.
You may ask why
Your life you must give.
I'll tell you why,
To live is to die,
Every breath you take,
Is your last good-bye.
When was does depart,
They move to our heart,
Where they stay until our final day,
And we move on in that same way.
With this last word,
I do hope you've heard,
How the our loved
Never die...

There you go... I have given you some of my mind. Pretty werid ain't it?

journal entry #61

hey guys, i am bored, so bored i am actually doing this for fun. i think i am going to do my work better than i was before. i want to work my ass off. i wnat to be the best i can be. i need to do something to occupy my mind. but i think i am getting better at that, entertaining myself. i cant wait to get back to my place though. i cant wait to get back to rhode island. i think i want to live there for the rest of my life. i wouldnt mingd being there. i miss all of my advisory dearly. every single one of them, even patrick. i think patrick gets a bad rep because he doesnt let himself be known. look, nobody hates me, because everybody knows me. even if they dont like me, they heve a certain level of respect for me, and if they dont, then i dont talk to them, i ignore them. if they desire further confrontation, then i will beat the living shti out of them, but it usually doesnt come to that. anyways, i miass home and i cant wait to get there, and sleeping is going to e uncomfortable tonight because i have a sunburn kind of bad. tomorrow i am definitely wearing sunblock. i am oging on trhe boat tomorrow, so i am excited for that. i also miss one person a little more than the rest. ill leave you to figure that one out, sherlock.











HOlmes

journal entry #60

me and myself, are really bored,
sittin in a chair, doing a blog,
poking my sunburn, its e real sore,
mind hazes over, pulled in by the fog,
remembering about home,
thinking about how crazy it is here,
wishing i could just roam,
missing how crazy it is there,
two different worlds, one up one down,
different atmosphere, almost different hemisphere,
thsi place makes me smile, makes me frown.
too hot, but home is a little too cold,
this place gets really old,
sitting in my chair thinking of home,
all my thoughts swirlin in ma dome,
wishin i was home,
wishin i was home,
i wanna see you again, all of you,
you know who you are, you know what i wanna do,
just to sit home and talk with my mom,
help her get through her problems
btu thats not the point,
let me tell you the point,
the point is not to get angry,
at all of these new people,
racist,
i wish i was home.

journal entry #59

i am bored, and i think i want to be a music artist, so i am going towrite a poem every night, along with a journal entry to try to increase my artistic abilities. i enjoy writing, it lets me do anything i want, no constraints whatsoever, maybe i will do this for the rest of my life, maybe not, but i know i enjoy doing it now. and i realize that life is only going to be harder. i was just thinking about people at home, and i remember talking to this kid. i dont recall his name, but i do remember him telling me that he didnt plan to live past 20. now, lets be reasonable, he is going to make it to twenty. now, one day he is going to wake up and wonder, why am i here, i was not supposed to make it this far, then he is going to realize that he has no chance and that he has absolutely no clue what to do. he will realize all the mistakes that he has made and realized that if he had been smart, he would have prepared for this moment, he wouldnt be in it in the first place, if only things had gone according to plan, he would have never been alive to take responsibility for his actions. but now that he is here, he cannot pick up the pieces of his past but try to make i t for the future. but his past pulls him every time he tries to do good, and at this point, i don tknow what he is going to do. either he is going to succumb to his delirious past and sink back into the nothing he is, or he is going to break free of his past, break free of the chains bearing him, and make a living doing what HE wants, not what he thinks he is capable of because of his past.

song lyrics(their mine, sucka)
im uncomfortable doing this, so ill say that right off the bat,
coffee syrup, my favorite is autocrat,
but coffee milk makes me fat,
so get off of me and aunt jemima,
pancakes, cmon you know you wanna,
drizzle that syrup all over them pancakes,
keep o

journal entry #58

hey ma niggas, i think i have a sunburn. it kinda sucks, and it kinda rocks. i get to have a tan, but at a painful price. right now i am in ellens room, doing nothing, being bored, and i think i am about to go out and see what the rest of the family is doing here. oh yeah, and by the way, i am staying at a relatives house and i am still bored, even on vacation. i guess it doesnt matter where i am, i will always be intellectually bored. always. i wish there was something that could keep my attention for more than a few minutes. i miss hoem already, and i still have a long way to go. but the good thing is i am going to seaworld tomottow, so that is really good. everything is exactly the same down here. there is alot of inspiration, though. suprisingly, there isnt much development down here. id expect more. the house i am staying at is really nice. i like it, id live in it if i lived down here. but i dont, so whern i grow up, i am going to have a house with an open kitchen. it makes the illusion of alot more room to work with. not to mention i think i want to be a chef, i really do. but not exactly a chef, because i want to make my own recipe. well, thats about it, so il be going now, buh-bye flamer. im talking to you kip?

journal entry #57

hey guys, i am bored. i am really, really bored. i wnat to do something, but right now i am constrained by slow timing and bad timing all at in one. right now i am in florida, and i love it. the sun is warm, but i dont think that it has hit me that i am on vacation. i cant wait to see my cousins , i cant wait, but i have to wait until tomorrow, which sucks. but tomorrow will come and i will wait until tomorrow, but only because there is no choice. i really dont want to do this. i do not want to write this journal entry, but i have to. si am going to be random to fill up space, i know its crap so dont tell me. i like eggrolls. i cant have shinese food, yes shinese food. say it, it i sreally fun. dont be bored, its a waste of your time. it si fun. doing nothing. it is a waste of time, it is fun. okay, i am not in the mood to write so i am going to cutr it off short. cya wouldnt want to be ya wigga.

journal entry #56

hey guys, another journl entry. i am really worried about my mom. she recently had tried to kill herself and she is now in butler. i am so worried about it. i have no clue what to do, i dont think i can do anything about it, i feel completely powerless, and it is the worst feeling in the world. i wish i could do something, but i know i cant. if there was any way, id do it. but i dont think there is, so i just have to deal with it. i think this is the first time i found something i couldnt change, and it scares me. i have never encountered this before. i used to always coach her and make her feel better because she was always sterssed and always felt like giving up once things got tough. i have no doubt when i was with her that i helped her whenever she needed it. but i am not there anymore, and she doesnt know how to deal. i hope that she can change and find peace, it really hurts me when things happen to her, i felt like shit even before i knew what happened to her. i believe in psychic links, and i also believe that she can get better. i hope on everything that i am and that i stand for that my mom can find peace and prosperity in some kind of shape or form, so she doesnt have to go through this again.

journal entry #56

hey guys, another journl entry. i am really worried about my mom. she recently had tried to kill herself and she is now in butler. i am so worried about it. i have no clue what to do, i dont think i can do anything about it, i feel completely powerless, and it is the worst feeling in the world. i wish i could do something, but i know i cant. if there was any way, id do it. but i dont think there is, so i just have to deal with it. i think this is the first time i found something i couldnt change, and it scares me. i have never encountered this before. i used to always coach her and make her feel better because she was always sterssed and always felt like giving up once things got tough. i have no doubt when i was with her that i helped her whenever she needed it. but i am not there anymore, and she doesnt know how to deal. i hope that she can change and find peace, it really hurts me when things happen to her, i felt like shit even before i knew what happened to her. i believe in psychic links, and i also believe that she can get better. i hope on everything that i am and that i stand for that my mom can find peace and prosperity in some kind of shape or form, so she doesnt have to go through this again.

journal entry #54

hey guys i am vurry, vurry burred. i need to do something. my dad thinks i can be better than i am, but i dont know how to find what i want to do. i am not really driven, but there is another problem that i have recently encountered. i thin i love ariel. that is a huge problem for me. loveing somebody is different thal liking somebody. with this, it seems another problem has taken shape, which is trusting her enough to have me share my emotions with her. i want to have trust with her, and i want to go out with her, but i need to express my emotions to her. i think i am going to go to her, pull her aside, and talk to her about how i feel tomorrow so i can know how she feels also. i need to step up and take the plate, i cant be scared and not do it, though i cant say i am not nervous. i hate loving somebody. it camplicates things too much. but here love is on my doorstep, and i need to do something with it. but i also need to be careful. love and hate are both passions of the heart, and are two aspects of the human psychology that make up most of what we do. i have been told that pretty women cannot be trusted, but i may be proven wrong, and i hope i am for once.

journal entry #53

hey, guys my computer sucvks big fat donkey cock. it is truly horrendous. look what i give it, a home, dsl, a purpose, and what does it do, it slows down. see, the problem is, my computer wasnt using protection when it was chatting with all of those girl computers, and now it has a virus. but hen again, my dad didnt buy any virus removing software. so, my computer doesnt have protection. so, if my dad had bought some when i asked him to, maybe i wouldnt have any viruses. i still am asking him, and he is still not doing a damn thing to do it. so, i am stuck with a computer that gets worse by the day. i need some protection so my boy doesnt get sick by those slutty girl computers.i am starting to get impatient and angry. i really want it so my computer doesnt die on me. i dont want it to die, it is way too young. it has barely seen anything, though it soaks up whatever is on the internet like a sponge. everyday, my computer os slipping closer and closer to death. i need this computer, but i feel that there is nothing i can do for it but get as much use out of it as i can before it finally slips away forever. the protection that i actually have

journal entry #53

hey, guys my computer sucvks big fat donkey cock. it is truly horrendous. look what i give it, a home, dsl, a purpose, and what does it do, it slows down. see, the problem is, my computer wasnt using protection when it was chatting with all of those girl computers, and now it has a virus. but hen again, my dad didnt buy any virus removing software. so, my computer doesnt have protection. so, if my dad had bought some when i asked him to, maybe i wouldnt have any viruses. i still am asking him, and he is still not doing a damn thing to do it. so, i am stuck with a computer that gets worse by the day. i need some protection so my boy doesnt get sick by those slutty girl computers.i am starting to get impatient and angry. i really want it so my computer doesnt die on me. i dont want it to die, it is way too young. it has barely seen anything, though it soaks up whatever is on the internet like a sponge. everyday, my computer os slipping closer and closer to death. i need this computer, but i feel that there is nothing i can do for it but get as much use out of it as i can before it finally slips away forever. the protection that i actually have

journal entry #53

hey, guys my computer sucvks big fat donkey cock. it is truly horrendous. look what i give it, a home, dsl, a purpose, and what does it do, it slows down. see, the problem is, my computer wasnt using protection when it was chatting with all of those girl computers, and now it has a virus. but hen again, my dad didnt buy any virus removing software. so, my computer doesnt have protection. so, if my dad had bought some when i asked him to, maybe i wouldnt have any viruses. i still am asking him, and he is still not doing a damn thing to do it. so, i am stuck with a computer that gets worse by the day. i need some protection so my boy doesnt get sick by those slutty girl computers.i am starting to get impatient and angry. i really want it so my computer doesnt die on me. i dont want it to die, it is way too young. it has barely seen anything, though it soaks up whatever is on the internet like a sponge. everyday, my computer os slipping closer and closer to death. i need this computer, but i feel that there is nothing i can do for it but get as much use out of it as i can before it finally slips away forever. the protection that i actually have

journal entry #52

hey guys, another journal entry. look, anything is possible in this world, all it takes is one second and you can die, and there isnt a thing you can do about it.you need to live your life the way you want to live it, and not worry about any of what others think. honestly, i dont understand why people fight against death so much. i think its the fear of not existing. honestly, i am scared too, but there is nothing i can do about it, except try not to put myself in danger and work out and all that jazz. but i also cant live in a hole. over everyhting else, i need to work, leave my mark on the world, and leave. i want my name to be remember, i want everybody to remember me for who i was and what i stood for. i want to be the most importana name in the history books, i want to bo the best. i can do it, but it will be no easy road. in fact, at the end of my life, i am goign to want to die, but now, i have too much purpose to give up. i am going to do what i want, and die doing it. i dont know what it was going to be. when i find it, i will know. when i find it, everything will fall into place. everybody has a trail and something to do, i am going to find it, and i am going to be better at what i do than anybody else, i promise that. i feel full of something undescribable, besides maybe light? that is the closest thing i could come to describe it.

journal entry #51

hey guys, whassup, per usual, i am watching law and order while doing all of these journal entries, though i cant complain. some of my favorite things are law and order and writing. i think i am going to try to hone my skills in writing. i want to be the best rock and roll band in the world, so i am going to need to be the best writer. i think that this every night helps me out alot. i have been able to express all of my emotions and trust nearly everything with this journal. i appreciate the ability to have someone tutor me in school, i really do. i think i am going to sign up for creative writing and also recording studio. i om pretty bad at singing, but i can only get better. if i keep trying, i think i can beat my voice into submission and i can at least hold a note for an extended period of time. it will help me with my lyrics, which i do need alot of work. i want to be the best rockstar that ever lived, and i also need to learn the guitar to be any good. i want to gel a lti with someone that teaches guitar. i believe in natural talent, and i am not sure that i have it, but that just means i have to work all that much harder to get what i want, and through that i will have a greater appreciation for myself and for the people that showed me the path. i want all of the lights, the sound, i want everything, and i want to go down in history forever for being a rock and roll legend.

journal entry #50

this is another journal entry and honestly i am a little excited. actually, i am really excited. i enjoy writing, i really do. i like the abilitry to paint an image in someones brain that they appreciate what i am trying to convey. actually, i have no freaking clue what i like about writing, but i like it. i feel like i can easily create something quality, something that i appreciate, if that makes sense. it allows me to be anybody i want to be, do anything i wqan tto do with no reprucussion besides lost time. i dont live out everything i want to, so i can do whatever i would like to do but cant in writing. maybe i am controlling, and that is why i like to write so goddamn much. maybe i should do some of the things that i want to do, let go of my inhibitions and jsut do them. as you can tell, i am not in the best of moods. i kind of feel defeated for some odd reason. maybe its the chinese food. i am never eating chinese again, i swear! that shit sucks, its horrible for you, i am never eating it again i dont ever want to. i am tired and burred. i need something more to talk about. right now, i dont feel like my life has too much purpose. my life neeeds more purpose, and i am the only person that cna actually make it ha ppen.

journal entry #49

i am annoyed and bored out of my mind, and i miss a relationship. i miss being able to trust someone with all of your emotions. i miss being able just to hold someone in your arms and touch then and know that you are safe, i miss that. i miss being able to give somebody your emotions and not worry what they are going to say becuase you trust them. i dont care about loving them, and i dont care if they love me, but i miss holding someone and feeling PASSIONATE about something. i miss all of that. i want it so bad, i really do. why does this desire make me so goddamn weak. it kinda makes me depressed, adn i dont want to do my work because of it. i feel like crap, and i want a girlfriend. i realy, really do. i want to love again. but next week i wont give a shit, you know. i tend to like the women that are crazy and insecure anyways. i dont know why, i guess i know that they won tleave me, and that is why i like them. i just need somebody to nullify daily life and to make me feel better when i am sad and make me higher when i am glad. i almost need it. i havent had anybody for a long time, and i miss it. i dont know what i am doing with my life, but i know i can be doing it better,

journal entry #48

i am tired out of my mind. i cant even think, i am the most tired i have been in a long time. i cant wait until i go to sleep, i cant wait until i fall into a serene, nice sleep. i am going to sleep like i have never slkept before. the greatest thing is that i will get great sleep without drugs for once. i will never, ever be this tired ever again. it has taken me twenty minutes to type this, and i think that that is horrible, soi i am going now, i am putting on some boxers, washing my face, and going to bed. bye.

journal entry #47

dude, i was really, really sick a couple of nights ago. it was the worst dry heaves i have had in my whole life. i wish that i could have just puked right away instead of just dry heaving for two minutes and going through the most horrifying and agonizing moments in my life. i thought i was going to die, the pain was so bad. i was kind of laughing at myself inside when i was puking though when i was saying "oh god" in between dry heaves. i thought it was really funny, me yaking and being all dramatic about it, it did hurt enough to be dramatic, but i would have laughed at one of my friends if they were puking and saying, "OH GOD" in between dry heaving and almost falling because their legs gave out. Afterwards, my whole body was exhausted and destroyed to the point where i couldnt go to sleep, and now i have diarrhea, so my body is not doing well with the after effects. overall, i am the first of the stomach flu to be caught, and i warn you now, you will get it, and it will be bad. it is worse than any stomach sickness yet. and it comes, in a bundle, with diarrhea, what an attractive combination, huh? Well, here's my warning, seriously, watch out, this one will be insanely bad painwise, i garuntee it.

journal entry #47

dude, i am bored. really bored. and i am too lazy to do anyhting, i am really rtired. i want to go and do my face. and that is what i am goign to do right now. i think it is funny when drunk people try to type. i kinda type like drunk people. you know. tyler jake pisses me off. i am really bored and my head is really, really fuzzy, full of a bunch of clouds. then at some times i can feel clear. i need to learn more and work better in general. i am doing a project on the atomic bomb, and i think it is pretty damn cool. i am goign to work on it tomorrow. i cant wait until those new oppurtunities come in and i can do wha ti want to for once. i hate doing schoolwork, i really do. i want to do something i wnat to do with my life for once, i want to direct my own life, efven if that means sitting on my ass and doing nothing, if that is what it means to hav emy own choice to do that. not that i dont have that choice now, it isnt impossible at all, it jus thas too many reprucussions to do it. if i had a choice, id be lazy for my life. the onlt reason i do things is because i have to. i wish i had a choice, but i dont, so i guess i will make th ebest of it. i need some direction in my life. i hope i can find it soon.

journal entry #46

hey guys, heres another journal entry. today wasnt such a good day. it was really hard for me to concentrate for some odd reason. i think i am still shaken and nervous from being detained by the police. and they dont know yet if they are going to press charges. thats what is bothering and taking all of my attentioa away from everything else. my dad just yelled at me for not trusting him, and i feel like crap and i dont know why. i feel kind of like crap when i go to bed, like my life has little purpose, and i hope i can believe again. i dont know, every time i believe in myself, i dont stay that way. i have never stayed with something i was interested in for more than a week, besides my trading card game, magic the gathering. i wont to be able to stay motivated for long lengths of time. its hard for me to believe in myself. sometimes it is, sometimes it isnt. i dont know, i need to think things out, but my mind is extremely unclear, full of clouds and dust. it sucks, because i am stuck in this cloud and i do not know how to get out. i know its partially my fault i am like this, but i am yet to find out my part in it. i hope i can find out soon, so i can start somewhere and rebuild. otherwise, i will be sompletely stuck.

i have a bad feeling about going to talk to that guy on monday

journal entry #45

today was a crazy day. for the first time, i got detained. it was fucking scary. Greg, Steve and i were going on the railroad tracks and we saw this place with nice graffiti, so we decided to check it out. we went down to the building, went inside, went out, looked a tsome more graffiti, then the cop came and detained us for tresspassing... and we had to get the stupidest goddamn cop in the whole of the world. he told us to come up with him, then he left us to investigate the scene, whch was the stupidest fucking idea i have ever heard of. he left us there for like five minutes before he returned to tell us to get in his car. then after that, he asked us if we had anything of concern that he should watch ou tfor, then steve said "i have a peanut roll in my pocket" and greg said "i have a condom in my pocket." they are ficking morons sometimes, especially when they are scared like little school girls. well anyways, we took a ride in the pigs car, and it weas a really uncomfortable seat, it really was. it was all molded plastic, no padding. we got at the station, and we started to watch the screensaver on the computer. it was really fun to watch. then greg and steves father came to poick us up. we went to his house, my dad picked me up then we went home.

journal entry #44

hey guys, its me again. i am really bored, as i always am. i wish i had a twin, i really do. it would rock so hard. we could switch work days, like if nobody knew i had a twin, i would have to go to school only half the time, we would switch days. the funny thing is, nobody would know, it would be seamless. during tests, i would go to the bathroom, and my twin woulod come back in and answer all the questions that i couldnt. the best part is, wed both have a high school education for our college resumes, if anyone actually knew he existed. you know, he might have to be mentally retarded, now that i think of it. he wouldnt look much different even if he was, haha i just cracked on myself. the twin thing would be absolutely stupendous for nothing else than the companionship and to vent my anger on, like a pet or something. i could whip him, make him clean the dishes, he would be my bitch, it would be absolutely stupendous. hey, i just thought of the fact that you only have one chance to do what you have to do, then it is gone. onechance to change things, atone moment, and you cant change it once you made a decision, you can never take back time. i wish i could, i would change so much, so much.

journal entry #43

today was pretty good, but not such a productive day for me. i enjoyed it more because i wasnt doing work. i think i appreciate my free time alot more now than i did before. i enjoy nothing more than sitting down and doing nothing fo ra while, which is why i love to sleep so goddamn much, because i can just stop for one moment. but, apparently everybody else thinks that work is so freaking good for me. i dont. it stresses me out and i dont even realize it sometimes, but i have no choice. if i dint do my work, ill fall behind and that is the way i have lived my life for the last 14 years. if i am going to turn over a new leaf, i will have to never look back at my life in the past as a possibility. it is really hard to keep up my work ethic, but i think i can do it, but that is not the big problem. the big problem is learning to balance my social life with my schoolwork, which is extermely diffucult, but nothing worth doing is easy. it will be diffucult, but nobody will solve my problems for me, but everybody can help me lead me to the right thing to do. the only thing i wish i had was somebody i could lean on, somebody i could put some of my weight on, someone stronger than me, but nobody in that school of my age has the tools to accomodate me, so i havve a very small social support network.